Why?

This is the question that I ask myself over and over.  The one that every parent of a child with a disability asks.  It's a question that we will never really know the answer to.  Over the years I have been convinced of several different causes, but with time I have come to terms with the fact that it's highly unlikely that any one thing caused Gracie to have OCD, or to slip away from us that one fall day.  In fact, I think it's irresponsible to blame one single thing for what happened.  Here are some of my theories.  They are only theories.  I am not a scientist or a doctor.  Just a mother.

Genetics - There is certainly a genetic factor in my family for OCD and for other anxiety based mental illnesses.  This is actually the most likely factor.

Low levels of serotonin - Serotonin is a neurotransmitter.  Research indicates that people with OCD have low levels of serotonin.  Medications used to treat OCD are usually serotonin reuptake inhibitors.  They cause an increase in the amount of serotonin in the brain.  I don't know why people with OCD have low levels of serotonin.  I know people with depression and anxiety also tend to have low levels of serotonin.

Strep Infection - There is a kind of OCD that can be caused by a strep infection. It is called PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections).  It is extremely rare but it comes on suddenly and is basically OCD caused by strep throat.  Sometimes it can be treated by antibiotics.  If this was what caused Grace's OCD, then it is likely that it is much too late to treat it with antibiotics now.

Mercury - I have spent a lot of time on this one.  I had all Grace's shot records pulled and I researched the exact make up of each vaccination.  I am not against vaccinating children.  The only thing that has ever bothered me is this - shortly before Grace's behavior changed in the fall of 2006 I took her in to have a flu shot.  She was about 2 and a half years old.  When I read through her records I found that they administered the flu shot that contained the full amount of mercury.  The flu shot is the only vaccination that still contains mercury.  They did not give her the mercury free vaccination that they reserve for children under 3 even though she was under 3.  I don't think this was a mistake.  I think they just didn't think it was a big deal.  I am bothered by this.  Could this have been a "trigger" of some kind for Grace?  Some studies suggest that certain children are more susceptible to mercury than others and that it can act like a trigger causing autistic like behaviors.  Most studies have shown this to be not true.  However, I can't help but wonder about the coincidence here.  This has haunted me for a long time.  For about three years I refused to give her any vaccinations at all after I came to this realization.   Over time I have come to a balance.  However, I will never allow any of my children to receive another flu shot again.  When flu season comes around, my kids receive the nasal mist.  I follow a more spread out vaccination schedule than the one typically offered at the clinic.  Our doctor (Dr. G.) is extremely flexible and helpful with this.  The schedule we follow is laid out in "The Vaccination Book" written by Dr. Sears.  I have no idea if it is helpful or not, but it makes me feel a little bit better.

Environment -  As I have written in previous entries, I do believe that our environment is damaging our children.  I think that the chemicals that are being introduced into the environment relatively unchecked are causing harm in the foods that kids eat and in basically everything that they have contact with.  I am not an extremist by any means.  I simply think that as mothers we need to be aware of this and when we have options, choose the healthier option.  I think it is possible that toxins in the environment play some role in causing not only Grace's disorder, but other childhood disorders as well.  The environmental cause is one that is not supported by medical research.

A combination - In my opinion the most likely reason for Grace's disorder, and most childhood developmental disorders, is some combination of many of the above factors.

For a long time I wanted desperately to blame someone or something for the hardships that we faced.  I was angry and hurt for the time with Grace that I felt was stolen from me.  I resigned from my job as a teacher to be a stay at home mom with her.  I looked forward to days of precious time together.  Instead I had endless hours of occupational therapy, speech therapy, doctors appointments, computer research, picture schedules, social stories, supplements, remedies, and emotional and financial strain.  However with time I have come to see that what happened is really nobody's fault.  My family was fortunate that I was able to be home with our children for 5 years.  I had and continue to have a tremendous amount of support from family and friends and our lives are truly blessed.