"I love you mommy"

It was the middle of the night.  I awoke suddenly to a loud patter of feet running down the hallway toward our bedroom.  It was Gracie.  "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy", she said in her urgent, repetitive, monotone voice directly into my ear.  "Yes Gracie".  It was my usual reply.  "I love you mommy".  "I love you to Gracie", I would say to her.  Then, like clockwork the patter of her feet would retreat back into her bedroom and her door would slam shut.

This, while sweet, would happen several times each night and multiple times during the day from the time when Grace was about 4 - 4 1/2 years old.  I loved that she told me she loved me all the time.  I know she meant it with all her heart.  But there was a sense of desperation and urgency about it that was very upsetting.  It seemed that she simply HAD to tell me she loved me.  Just imagine how important something would have to be to make a person get out of bed multiple times a night and run into another room to tell someone the same thing over and over again.  The thought would have to be important enough to not only wake you up, but drag you out of bed from a dead sleep and then make you walk across the house to talk to someone 2 and 3 times a night.

Grace wasn't old enough to tell me why she needed to tell me she loved me all the time.  My fear now is that she thought that if she didn't tell me she loved me that something bad would happen to me.  That is a typical OCD "trick thought".  What a terrible, tormenting, thought to haunt a poor little 4 year old mind.  I try so hard now to protect my little Gracie from the horror of the monsters that hide within the OCD mind, but I honestly didn't know what was wrong with her back then.

I love you too Gracie.