It's a reason for the behavior - not an excuse for it

There is a very fine line between behaviors and feelings that can't be controlled and responses that CAN be controlled.  It has been our approach with Grace that while her OCD may be the reason for her behavior, it is not an excuse for her behavior.  For example, one thing Gracie struggles with is monitoring the volume of her voice.  This is something I don't understand.  She seems to, at times, NEED to speak in a loud, monotone, voice regardless of how many times we ask her to quiet her voice down.  This is more than just "normal loud kid noise".  It's repetitive, continuous, and usually involves the same statement or question over and over again.  Just the other day we were having a "flare up" with this exact issue.  We gave her several warnings about her voice.  I know that this is difficult for her, but I also know that she is capable of stopping the behavior.  She even told me that her OCD was making it too hard for her (Grace is now fully aware of her disability).  We ended up sending her to bed early before her favorite television show began.  She was devastated.  I, however, felt fine with our decision because I knew that above all we want her to know that her OCD must not and can not ever be used as an excuse for her behavior.  

This was not so simple when she was younger.  I felt like the line between reason and excuse was blurry, if it existed at all.  I was simply desperate for answers to why my child was unreachable.  I didn't know if or when to give her a consequence because I honestly couldn't tell what she "meant" to do and what was out of her control. How do you put a child in time out for not wanting to walk on the hard wood floor?  Or for wanting to go to the bathroom 25 times in an hour?  First of all you have to walk them across the hard wood floor to get them to timeout and then once you get them there they will need to go to the bathroom again anyway!  Plus they will be screaming the entire time.  This was a terrible struggle for me.  

When I did attempt to mistakenly discipline a behavior that was not her fault it would erupt into an absolute disaster.  Putting shoes on and getting into the car was a huge struggle.  What she needed me to do was take the time to show her the picture schedule and give her a 5 minute warning, set a timer and then when the timer went off help her put her shoes on and take her to the car.  Instead I was usually in a hurry and I would just grab her and start putting her in the car.  This was a terrible mistake.  She would flail her arms and legs.  Screaming and kicking.  She would insist that she had to go potty - and I mean the world was going to end if she didn't go potty.  We were already running late by this point.  But I would have to let her go potty.  This would take some time because she had to go through all the steps.  Next the shoe ritual.  I would try to help her put on her shoes but they would be all wrong.  They would hurt, they were too tight, they were dirty.  But she couldn't tell me these things so she would just scream some more and kick.  Finally I would end up just forcing her into her car seat and we would leave the house with both of us crying and poor Emma usually in tears as well.  By the time we got down the road Gracie usually wanted to use the potty again...

I was a "perfect" mother before Grace was born.  Emma and I went to the park and to the library.  Emma wrote her name at 2 years old and spoke in perfect sentences at 18 months.  She sat quietly in church and played nicely with all her friends.  My idea  of "time out" was to sit her in my lap in another room and to talk softly to her about making a better choice.  I never yelled.  I never spanked.  I never cried.  I never lost my temper.  But I wouldn't trade perfection for knowledge.   That's the reason I was perfect, but it's certainly not an excuse.