The Toughest Lesson

I've learned something this past year.  It's taken me almost 14 years of being a mother and wife to figure it out.  It didn't matter that my own mother told me over and over again to do it or that my friends did or that my husband did.  I didn't care what they said.  They just didn't UNDERSTAND.  I couldn't put my own needs first.  Not ever.

It hasn't helped that I have been busy finding help for Grace since she was a baby.  Busy getting therapy, finding treatment and diagnosis - advocating for her.  It hasn't helped that once that fell into place our family had an even bigger struggle with our oldest who has shown amazing strength.  It hasn't helped that a year and a half ago my husband needed emergency reconstructive open heart surgery and I cared for him and nursed him back to health.  We actually had a minister come to our house before the surgery and pray with us and the kids - just in case.  There was never a chance to catch my breath.  I was too busy saving everyone else.

What I hadn't seen was that I was slowly falling apart.  I was exhausted.  I had constant headaches and my epilepsy was flaring up.   So I decided to go against everything I had always known and just put myself first.  I did all the things I was supposed to do - eat well, work out.  But I also started THINKING differently.  Thinking about what I needed.  What I wanted.  The things you think would happen happened.  I have lost weight.  I look and feel good.  But something else happened.  Something that I did not expect.

My kids got better.

Emma, my 13 year old, began to take better care of herself.  She became happier and more stable.  The other day I looked at her and realized - my God, she looks just like me.  And then it hit me.  She is TRYING to look like me.  She actually admires me.  But it doesn't stop there, she truly looks up to me.   She wrote me this letter the other day...

She actually told my boss that she wants to be a kindergarten or first grade teacher someday.  And you know what?  She would be amazing.

Our kids really do look up to us.  It really is important to show them that it's ok to put yourself first.  We are their role models - and if I've learned anything this past year it's that if I take care of myself my kids will do the same. For women this is one of the toughest lessons we can ever learn.  I'm still working on it.  But learning it, and teaching it to our children, especially our daughters, is well worth the effort.  I want my girls to know that their mother is worth the effort, and so are they.

And Grace?  Well she is doing just great.  It turns out she doesn't need me to save her all the time after all.  I think I'll let her try saving herself a bit.