A Fine Line

One of the hardest things I've found about raising a child on the autism spectrum is navigating that fine line between enabling and teaching, and between helping and disciplining.  When Grace was very young it was almost impossible to know how to respond to her because most of her behavior was either completely irrational or involved screaming tantrums.  But as she grew, and became better at using her voice, it became clear that there was a fine line between what she could control and what she couldn't - what she understood and what she didn't.    It also became clear that that fine line was very, very hard to see.  Regardless, I made a decision to always push my daughter to a high standard - while still trying to keep all those variables in mind.

That fine line followed me right into the classroom.  And it was just as hard to navigate there.  As a teacher my goal is always for my students to become strong, independent thinkers.  Knowing when to give a little extra help to a child and when to push them to do it on their own and knowing when to help a child work through a problem and when to simply deliver a consequence are critical to helping kids grow.  It is even more critical when you are working with children with special needs.  It seems to me that the key to this is to keep standards and expectations high for all children regardless of special needs or behavior.  ALL children deserve an equal chance at success.

As a parent this choice has not always been easy.  I pushed Grace.  Sometimes I was right to push and sometimes I was wrong.  The right moments are amazing.  She excels.  She connects.  She tries new things.  The wrong moments are a disaster.  I get after her for something she can't control and it backfires.  She regresses.  She screams for hours.  She hides in the closet.  She disconnects.  I end up feeling awful.   For example, Grace has a natural loud, monotone voice - fairly typical for someone on the spectrum.  I (and everyone else in our family) often have a hard time telling if she is being rude or just talking.  The other day I sent her to her room for the way her voice sounded then tried to explain to her how to say it in a "nicer tone".  This completely backfired because of course she can't control this and doesn't understand what I'm talking about.  My expectations were not appropriate and I pushed her too far.

My life with Grace and my teaching are wound so tightly together that sometimes I can't untangle them.   I know I take risks with my own child that I am unwilling to take with my students.   Being sure of where that fine line is in the classroom, finding it with other people's children, places an added responsibility on me, and all teachers as educators.   However we all need to continue to keep in mind the goal of all children reaching those high expectations.   All children can.  In the end, as a mother, I believe pushing Grace, even making mistakes, has been the right call.  She has learned to persevere.  She also knows that even though her mom makes mistakes, I love her and will always be here.  And she's right.
:)