This is what dinner looks like in my house every night. Every single night. It starts at exactly 3:55 when Grace comes and finds me at school. She hunts me down like clockwork. And I'll hear her voice "MOM. MOM. MOM. MOM." A short pause here. "WHAT'S FOR DINNER?". Now mind you I am STILL WORKING at this time. So my answer is always the same - I don't know yet. This is never an ok answer. At 3:57 she will ask the same question again. I'll give the same answer. Again she will ask at 4:00. Same answer. When we get in the car she will ask me again. Same answer. Once I have a chance to clear my head I start to go through the options of what we can eat - or better yet, what she will let us eat.
You see, as good as I am with classroom management, difficult children, autistic children, and children with special needs I have managed to let my own child totally rule our home when it comes to dinner time. My stress level is completely through the roof when it comes to preparing dinner.
I think as women we have many expectations placed on us about meals. My mother and my grandmothers always prepared beautiful home cooked meals. Every meal was served at the table and food was dished out of beautiful dishes and eaten on lovely plates and often with real silver. As children we were taught to clean our plates and say grace before our meals. We always ate dinner together. I want this for my own children. Yet I find it almost impossible. Impossible for the main reason that my children simply won't eat.
Tonight's dinner is an example. I cooked marinated chicken breasts (on the barbecue), spinach salad with strawberries, bleu cheese and candied pecans and brown rice with teriyaki sauce. Now, mind you that was just for Tim and myself. The CHILDREN won't eat marinated chicken breasts. In fact none of them will eat any chicken except chicken nuggets. So I also put chicken nuggets in the oven. NOW - Ellie eats normal chicken nuggets. But Grace and Emma like theirs really burned black. So WHILE I'm barbecuing chicken I'm also checking to get the chicken nuggets all the right "doneness". BUT Grace and Ellie won't eat salad. So I'm also cooking broccoli. I finally get all the food on the table. Chicken, nuggets, rice, salad, broccoli, milk, water, ketchup, butter, teriyaki, and yes a beer.
But it gets worse. We sit down and Grace starts up. "I'm only going to be able to eat the very outside of this chicken because the inside isn't black enough." Then I see her start to shake and cringe because the salad is too close to her chair. She continues about the chicken nuggets, "MOM. This chicken nugget is slightly light colored in the middle. I don't think I can eat it." Next I hear Emma. "Can't I just make my own salad?" and "GRACE! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO WEIRD???"
And suddenly I'm done. I want to leave and never come back. Every single night I go through the same stress of trying to get it perfect for them and every single night it's not. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm an educated TEACHER and I'm running in circles for these kids. Trying to stay ahead of Grace's quirks, needs and compulsions. And I just can't. It's just too hard.
Of course I would never leave my children. And as difficult as they can be, I love them. But maybe it's ok to just not all sit at the table together all the time. Maybe it's ok for my kids to learn to take charge of their own eating. Maybe I just don't have to do it all.
:)
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