OCD - the monster

Gracie with her cousin

All children struggle with monsters at some time or another.  They believe that they hide under their beds, or that they live in their closets.  Children lie awake at night hoping the monsters don't come out.  They ask their parents if they are real and are reassured that they are, in fact, not.

But what if the monsters are real?  What if instead of hiding under beds and in closets they truly exist within the mind of the very child who is terrified of them?  This is the reality of childhood obsessive compulsive disorder.  These children are haunted by a monster they can not understand.  They are terrified of that monster.  And yet somehow it is a part of them.

This monster lurks inside a child's mind.  It haunts them.  It pushes thoughts into their heads.  Horrible thoughts.  Irrational thoughts.  OCD insists.  It demands.  The more a child gives into it's demands, the stronger it gets - feeding further into it's vicious cycle.  OCD is not funny.  These children are tortured.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder manifests itself in several different ways.  The most common way is for children to have what are called "trick thoughts".  OCD can "trick" you into doing something.  For example, Grace would get out of bed 5  - 6 times a night to tell me she loved me because the monster in her head was telling her that if she didn't, I would die (I haven't confirmed this thought, but that's my guess).  Another, more irrational example of this is a child who needs to touch the doorknob 5 times before opening the door so that she won't get sick (Grace has never exhibited any counting/touching tendencies).  This seems silly to you and I, but for a child with OCD, it's essential that they do these rituals.  The problem is that the more they do them, the stronger the monster gets and the more they will need to do them. It s a vicious cycle.   I believe that this is what was going on with Grace when she was needing to use the bathroom over and over again.  She was only 2 1/2 at the time so she was completely unable to even understand why she needed to do it - only that she HAD to.

Think for a moment about the impact these "trick thoughts" have on the life of a child.  They haunt EVERY aspect of their day.  There is really nothing these children can do without the monster in the back of their mind saying, "Are you sure you should do that?  You better check it again.  I don't think you turned the light off. You better check again, and again, and again.  You played in the sandbox.  You better wash your hands 15 times, even if they crack and bleed.    You ate candy.  You better brush your teeth for 15 minutes, even if they hurt.  You didn't tell mommy thank you for dinner.  You better go upstairs and find her and tell her thank you 10 times now."  These "trick thoughts" don't stop.  They don't slow down when they child is tired, or sick, or hungry.  They have no mercy.  They rob children of precious childhood and time that can never be recovered.

OCD can also cause children to have "bad thoughts".  These can be horrible, horrific thoughts.  They can be thoughts about suicide, killing, graphic violent thoughts.  They can be sexual as well.  These thoughts are not wanted.  They are intrusive and invasive.  The monster seems to put them in the child's head.  These thoughts come with shame and embarrassment.  OCD does NOT make children violent or sexual!  It can, however, make them ashamed of themselves for having these thoughts.  It is not the child's fault.  It is the monster.  Grace has not seemed to have any of these as of yet. We are praying that she never does.

Many children with OCD also struggle to find something called the "just right feeling".  This can be the way clothes feel, hair falls, socks and shoes fit, etc.  For Grace I notice several things.  She struggles with the feeling of her eyes and will grimace her face frequently to "fix" it.  When I ask her why she tells me it just doesn't feel right.  She also will smooth out her eyebrows all the time to make sure they are in place and "just right".  I don't mean an occasional glance in the mirror.  I mean repetitive smoothing with her fingers until she has a rash on her face from rubbing them so much.

So you see there are real monsters.  We've been fighting one for the past 5 years - AND WE ARE WINNING!