Learn to Listen

Gracie - age 7

As women we have an inherent need to quickly fix things.  When something is out of place we quickly set it right.  When our children are messy we effortlessly wipe them up.  When a friend asks about a new shirt or haircut we reassure them that it looks fantastic.  This is just what we do.  We do it because we care and because we have been taught since we were children that women fix things and that they always, above all else, make people feel better.

It goes deeper than this. We are taught only to make the problem go away, to make the person feel better in the moment.   What about when an acquaintance tells you that her son won't stop checking and rechecking the bathroom faucet - over and over again for hours.  Do you smile and say "Oh he'll be just fine"?  Or if your sister tells you that her baby just doesn't seem to react to her like she used to.  Do you give her a hug and say "She's probably just tired"?  Or if a friend tells you that her daughter is having behavior problems.  Do you just laugh and say "Oh it's just the terrible 3s!"?

I can't tell you how many times I came to a friend and said, "I am really worried about Grace."  Most times I received an answer similar to this one - "She is just going through a hard phase right now.  She'll grow out of it".  This answer, while given with the best intentions, implied all the wrong things.  First of all it implied that I didn't know what I was talking about.  I was quite certain that she was not going to just "grow out of it".   I grew tired of trying to explain the situation after this initial comment.  Second, I felt that it ended the conversation.  Where I wanted to talk about Grace this comment felt like a closed door.  I understand the psychology of the comment.  Women only want to make each other feel better.  They want to do so as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I offer up to every one of you a different response.  The next time a friend, family member, or acquaintance comes to you and offers up ANY bit of information about their child that seems in the least bit concerning this is all you need to say...

"Tell me about it."

These four little words are not judgmental.  They offer up support.  They are an open door for listening and helping.

As women we do not need to quickly solve everyone's problems.  Problems solved quickly are not usually solved at all anyway.

If someone you know is brave enough to seek out help and advice about their child, please be brave enough to listen to them - really listen.