Dear Grace,

Dear Grace,

When you were born I was afraid that I might not love you.  You see you don’t know this but I had lost a baby before you.  It was early in the pregnancy but it didn’t matter to me.  I still wanted THAT baby.  And I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to love you. 

And so you arrived.  And you were different.  So different from your sister.  Your sister who was so easy and so lovable.  You woke at night and screamed – not a cry.  A scream.  You didn’t talk when you were supposed to.  You wouldn’t eat any food.  And I knew.  Part of me wondered if maybe I just hadn’t loved you enough.  But the part of me that knows children – the teacher in me – knew better.  It was that part of me that took charge and THAT is when I truly fell in love with you.

You, sweet girl, are a gift to this world.  Exactly the way you are.  Autism is part of who you are – I would never wish it away.  Not that there weren’t days that I didn’t pray for you to be “normal”.  Not that there still aren’t moments when I do.  Just yesterday when we were swimming you wanted to use your sister’s arm floaties.  The game you were playing went from huge fun to an all out 20 minute tantrum when I told you it was her turn.  Even at 10 years old you and I need to sit down and review strategies daily to help you calm down and see other people’s points of view.  

But yet every day I hear you consciously ask someone about his or her opinion.  You will think for a minute and then I’ll hear “Mommy, what is YOUR favorite snack?”.  Or “Neenie, do you enjoy doing the elementary backstroke?”.  I KNOW you are trying to connect.  You are trying to do exactly what we have been teaching you to do.

You are a fighter in a world where nothing quite makes sense for you.  Why do people need to stand so close? Why do they get irritated when you tell them how things should be done?  After all, you are usually right...  Why aren't all chairs hard?   The soft ones are always so dirty.  Why do teachers ask you to try it THIS way and THAT way when you know it will work YOUR way?  Why aren't all grilled cheese sandwiches exactly like Applebees'?  It is SO FRUSTRATING when they taste or look any different.  And speaking of food - why can't all pizza be just like Izzy's and why can't we just eat the exact same pancakes every single morning.  Why are there jeans and tights and pants with zippers?  Leggings (with ELASTIC) and dresses should just be the law.  Feelings shouldn't be complicated - and they aren't with you.  You are an honest, true friend.  Why do people say things they don't mean?  You certainly don't.  Every day you get up ready to take on this messed up, complicated world.  And every night you fall asleep having made it a little bit better.  

Sweetheart you teach people every day.  You inspire people.  You are a constant lesson in everything beautiful, simple and true.   I may not ever know exactly why I lost the baby before you, but I do know that God meant for me to be your mother.  And I couldn’t love you more. 

Love,

Mommy

Newborn Gracie

2 Year Old Birthday